NEWISH JOKES 070815

MAYBE OLDIES BUT GOODIES?

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" The man replied, "I'm out of gas." The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later the man saw an entire swarm of bees fly to his car and into his gas tank. The bees then flew out. "Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "WOW!" the man exclaimed, "What did you put in my gas tank?" The bee answered, "BP."



A third-grade teacher- a HUGE Steelers fan-walked in to her class on a friday right before the big game weekend. She asked: 'Alright kids, who's a Steelers fan?' Every kid raised their hand but one. She walked up to this lone kid and asked: 'So, why didn't you raise your hand young man?' He said: 'I'm a Saints fan.' very matter-of factly. 'Why's that?' She asked. He replied: 'Well we just moved here from New Orleans. My dad's a Saints fan. My Mom's a Saints fan. So I'm a Saints fan.' The teacher angrily asked him: 'Well, so what if your Mom's an idiot and your Dad's a lard-ass?' 'Then I'd be a Steeler fan!'



Little Johnny was sitting in the back of class rubbing his crotch, and the teacher asked, Johnny what are you doing? Johnny replied, Teacher, my mommy had me circumsized yesterday and it still hurts. So the teacher sent Johnny to the principal's office to call his mother and ask what he should do. When Johnny came back from the office, the teacher noticed that he had his penis hanging out. Shocked, the teacher asked, Johnny, what are you doing!? Johnny answered, Mommy told me to stick it out till lunch and then she would be here to pick me up.



An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon. ''Hold on there, Mister,'' said the sheriff. ''Did I just see what I think I saw?'' ''Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips.'' ''And that cures them?'' the Sheriff asked. ''Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em.''




A 55-year old man, who was born on May 5th, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, and who's lucky number is 5, receives a phonecall from a friend. The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.55 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5. Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.




A circus owner walked into a bar to find everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "That's strange" said the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"