JOKES OF THE DAY 090215

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Muslim Book Store

So, I was walking through the mall and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." 

I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.



As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.



I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"



The clerk said, "F--- off, get the hell out and stay out!"



I said, "Yes, that's the one.  Do you have it in paperback?”


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A chicken farmer went to the local bar.  He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me ... I'm celebrating."

"It is a special day for me, too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence," said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked: "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I were trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

"What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster," the farmer said.

The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence!". 

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You Know It's Time To Diet When.... 

1. You dance and it makes the band skip. 
2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. 
3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. 
4. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. 
5. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side." 
6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture. 
7. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. 
8. You could sell shade. 
9. Your blood type is Ragu. 
10. You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.

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The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. 

One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. 

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said, "My mom's a whore." 

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. 

So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" 

Johnny said, "Yes." 

"Well, what did the principal say?" 

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number." 

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