A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table." The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
A newly deceased man, Ray, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Ray decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Marcus up ahead -- with an even uglier woman.
When he asks what's going on, Marcus replies "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Marcus, Ray, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend, Russell, up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Marcus and Ray approach the man and discover it is Russell. They ask him how it is he's with this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these god-awful women.
Russell replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to.”
“Lucky you,” they say.
“There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.
Every time we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "dam income taxes!"
A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be Einstein to know this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear: 'drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there'.
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says: 'thank you', in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells: 'thank you'. The Arab asks the bartender: "What's the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all he does is smile and thank me."
The bartender replies: "He owns the place".
A 13 year old boy came home all happy. His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly. The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!" The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs. He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him. The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied, "Nah dad my bum is still sore."