Thursday, November 12, 2015

WANTED: LION TAMER and a couple other stories

A circus owner runs an ad for a "lion tamer wanted" and two people show up. One is an old golfer in his seventies, the other a drop-dead gorgeous brunette with a great body in her twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one Ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. "Here's your equipment… a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion gets all heated up, starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
Then he turns to the old golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies… "HELL YEAH!!  But you've got to get that damn lion out of there first."

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' 

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.'

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears.

'Yes, I do,' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too,' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said

'I would have gotten out today.' 


An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were talking about screams of passion.

The Italian said:

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight"

The Englishman said:   That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, y'know, all over her body with a special butter.

I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? .... wow! that's phenomenal. 

How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied,  "I wiped my hands on the curtains."


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons.  

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" 

"Eight," the boy replied. 

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" 

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me, they're for him. 

He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able
to swim and ride a bike.  Right now, he can't do either."


Early one morning an  elderly retired veteran just finished a piece of artwork he had been working on and yelled to his wife,  

"Hey honey, come and see what I created!  It's an abstract panorama depicting the seven years of the Obama Administration!"

She yelled back, "Flush the toilet Herman, and come eat your breakfast!"


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