IRISH-CATHOLIC-ETC JOKES

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A married Irishman went
into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I
almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and
rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in
the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers,
and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money
in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50
on the box, and according to you, that's the same
as putting it in!'

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Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to
Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said,
'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend
made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink
the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my
sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile
off of your face.'

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Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only
a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and
Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin’ a
mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We
cannot have services for an animal in the church. But
there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's
no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do
ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for
the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why didn't ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?

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Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is
this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Taxation Department. Can you help
us?'

'I'll try!'


'Do you know a Ted
Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will!'


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Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The
following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of
70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great
grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking
college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with
each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . I'm telling
everybody!'

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Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam
he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised,
she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you
realise that you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much
do I owe you?'

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Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc,
I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately,
I have forgotten to zip up.'


'That's not
senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you
forget to zip down.'

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Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish
inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon
they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her
husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover,
'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the
closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a
search of the bedroom discovered the man in the
closet. 'Who are
you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said
the exterminator.

'What are you doing
in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an
infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the
husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those
little bastards! '
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Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you
doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading
our marriage certificate for an
hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the
expir y date.'

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Wife : 'Do you want
dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

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Stress
Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share
all your worries, troubles and lighten your
burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling,
but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well. that's because we
aren't married yet.'

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Son: 'Mum, when I was on
the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up
my seat to a lady.'

Mum: 'Well, you have done the right
thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on Daddy's
lap.'

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A newly married man asked
his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly,
'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU
A FORTUNE!'

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A wife asked her husband:
'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy
body?'

He looked at her from head
to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of
humour!'