Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin' the salami, and so on, there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.
"I've always called it 'jilling off,'" said one of the women.
"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" replied the first.
"You're right," added another. "We DON'T seem to have any slang terms of our own for it!"
The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only ONE thing I ever call it!"
"What's that?" the three babes asked, almost in unison. "Finishing the job?"
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She came over to me, and then she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once -- before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me! I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family [including my bride-to-be] was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes.
My future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story? "ALWAYS keep your condoms in your car!"
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree. '
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree. '
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock. '
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock. '
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike. '
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way ?
The chief replied, 'Man riding my bike. '