Monday, June 29, 2015

TOP JOKES 062915

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The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

A man arrives at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says," Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven. "Religion?"


"Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8." A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"


"Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.

" The man says, "I can understand there being Different rooms for different religions, But why must I be quiet when I pass Room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well, the Catholics are in Room 8, and they think they're the only ones here." 

Survey shows: 10% of women had sex within the first hour of their first date. 20% of men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of women favour nudity.
45% of women prefer dark men with blue eyes. 46% of women experienced anal sex
70% of women prefer sex in the morning
80% of men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of women have never experienced sex in the office.
CONCLUSION: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

MORAL: Do not stay late at the office, nothing good can come of it.

An eminent psychologist was called to testify in court. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.

Tilting back in her chair, she opened her mouth to answer, when she was catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair, and was re seated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "Maybe we should start with an easier question."

   Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy noted. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye. "Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure, I did! We got into my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. "After awhile I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts, they sure were firm. She like that, too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend answered.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up, her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much." Then he added, "That's when the fight started!"

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning son.' 

'Good morning pastor' replied the young man, focused on the plaque. 'Sir, what is this?' Johnny asked. 

'Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service, 'replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. 

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, 'Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?'

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